What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:58
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I think the readers, may guess!
Im still living with it.
Why do I feel so lazy every time I get into my room?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I have no regrets .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i do to all so called friends.?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do some men like older women?
Put me off passion for life!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was 9 years of age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What is the kinkiest thing you and your sex partner have done in bed?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She found it foreign!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Can I use the LEG PRESS to build muscle?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was very sick at this time too.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
What habits do happy couples have?
All the time i was locked up.
Would this be the day?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I couldn’t, believe it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But, we were locked up after school.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it wasn’t much.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I waited trembling.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I said to her
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When she asked me how she looked .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot live in the past .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My family never makes their pension either.
I don,t even have a pension.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So, i spoilt her more .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She married twice! .
I will be 64.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was seconnd youngest,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What did i know ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Who then, do I blame.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She loved him until the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I write beautiful poetry .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It was going to be , some day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i lived it daily.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My life is so biszare .
This is soul school!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He knew the spot.
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were not on the streets..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.